Meditation for meditations sake

After my rather euphoric post earlier I need to set down some more coherent thoughts about what happened today. The main thing was of course actually using reiki on someone else. The maon thing I noticed about that was that I could feel something in my hands. The wierdest feeling was when I was doing th back of Laura's head when my hands suddenly started to feel numb. I always place more credence on an experience if I wasn't expecting it. I was NOT expecting that. The other thig I wasn't expecting was to see red when I closed my eyes during the healing when I was working on Laura's feet. The fact tat that is the colour of the base chakra - the closest chakra to me - is certainly thought provoking.

I haven't done delf healing tonight - but I have meditated just to see what I would see. I ended up in a room filled with light. There were pictures on the walls - all f them just silhouettes. I couldn;t make out what they were. Doug (Edna's hsband) was there as was a herat shaped brooch. It was gold bent into the shape of a heart with ruby's set into the gold. It is not a piece of jewellery I recognise. I dont think I have ever seen it anywhere.

I ended the meditation when I suddenly felt a huge twitch and started to see the mosaic tile effect. It felt like cause and effect. Something caused the twitch - and that started me seeing the mosaic pattern. It was slughtly disquieting.

What a difference a day made

Just back from my second training day - and after my agonies of doubt this morning I am back full of energy and enthusiasm. I actually did my first healing on Laura - and I really felt stuff. Laur saw things like a beetle, an elephants eye ad other stuff. When Sue looked up what the animals stood for it was full of thigns like persistence, removing obstacles which were SO relevant to the very long discussion we had at the start of the day after Sue read that blog entry.

I am totally motivated to carry on with my slelf healing and an amxious for my first chance to treat someone on my own

Self belief

I have realised my self image has taken a hammering over the past week or so; events have conspired to dent my belief in myself. That raises the intersting question am I doing reiki and all this psychic stuff because I am trying to bolster my self belief?

Even more interesting is the question is my lack of belief in myself hindering progress with reiki? Do I need to believe in myself as well as in reiki before it will work? Is my scepticism about the existence of spirits who can guide us going to prevent me making progress?

I am absolutely sure about a few things. My 'ghost' in York was real not imagination or fraud. The movement of the dowsing crystal in Stourbridge was also not imagination or fraud. And I am positive Carolyn was not using cold reading techniques or making lucky guesses when she told me all about Penny. Those are the three signpsots that have led me on this journey

I know a number of people who claim to sense things and I know they are all sincere in their beleif and are genuinely nice people - and since Tony is one of them and I lvie with him I know him better than almost anyone else. He has no reason to put on an act for me. And I dont suspect Carolyn Beth or Sue of trying in any way to defraud me by faking things.

But because my self belief has been knocked ,I am doubting the wisdom of my decision to see if I am psychic and to investigate these sorts of things. Steve thinks people are 'trading on my good nature' - a polite way of saying he is worried I am being gullible.

Unfortunately that is my fear . I have always had a problem with my faith on my decsions. I have always expected my decsions will turn out badly because I AM guillible. The onyl way to counter that is to have maximum scepticism. But that could work against me in this situation.

I am sure this internal debate is going on now for a reason. I AM sure I will get some answers today - and I am thoroughly looking forward to it

The dowsing pendant

Although I have been meticolous about doing the meditation and self healing in the evenings, ny norning meditatin has been a bit skimped. In fact yesterday I forgot to do it. I decided to use the dowsing pendant to see if I could get some guidance about Edna's future. So I did a proper meditation with incentive and a candle this morning. I grounded, pryaed then asked for spirit to guide me.

I asked the crytsal to show me yes and no and after a hesitatnt start it di. I then asked it to stop the pendant - and it did.

I then asked if Edna was going to die in the next two weeks - and got a strong posistive response. I am now reflecting on what I think about what has happened and why I wanted to use the pendant in the first place.

I needed some kind of external re-assurance that I am right in what I tell the staff about Edna and her treatment. My clincial knowledge , my intuition and now the pendant all tell me the same thing. It gives me confidence that I am doing the right thing by NOT trying to bully her to eat and drink.

It has also restored my faith in things psychic. The positive response wasn't as extreme as when I found the brooch in Sourbridge - but pretty close. It has also restored my faith in MY ability to top into spirit/sixth sense/paranormal powers - which yesterdays self healing entry showed I needed.

reporting on nothing

Thats what todays entry feels like. Because nothing seemed to happen during the self healing . I saw felt and experienced nothing. It feels as if I am doing it wrong - but I suspect the real problem is I am trying too hard and expecting too much.

I feel because I can't see chakra's and aura's - or sense spirit in any way - that the training will just be a waste of time. How can a reiki guide I can't sense in any way be able to help me?

But I have commented so many times over the past few months that I need to have faith - and I knwo this is one of those times. This feels SO right. There is a purpose in my doing this training - I just have to be patient and it will become clear.

I feel downhearted tonight - a combination of frustration over the apparent lack of progress in reiki and Edna's situation. Hopefully tomorrow will be better

Half way point

I make tonight my 11th day since attunement - so this is the half way point in my 21 self healing discipline.

I started by mentally reciting the 5 principles. I am trying to use them night and morning during my meditations.

I didnt see anything spectacular during the healing -but I definitely felt twitchy again. And it was much stronger than last night.In fact it was almost as strong as the self healing I did on my first attunement day .

I think the fact that I am still fiunctioning normally, able to go to work, and able to focus for any sort of meditation is a triumph for reiki under the circumstances.

meditation on the 5 principles

I ttreid consciously to include the 5 principles in my mediation today. In fact I started my self healing by a mental recitation of the 5 principles before I tried to activate the reiki flow. I did see colours today little speckles like tiny mosaic tiles in blue and green. And later on during the self healing I saw an expanse of blue/green. I alos felt twitchy - the way i was on my first training day when I did my first self healing.

I didnt apply reki to any particular part of me . My main need is for energy and endorphins so I just let it flow where it wished.

I'm worried this journal will be a bit short - but I can't record things that haven't happened. And I have rceorded all my experiences as honestly as possible.

I think keeping this journal and the self healing up over the past few days has been one of the hardest things I have done