Self healing experiences

I haven't made a journal entry for a couple of days. I have done my self healing every day . As I do it just before I go to bed, te past couple of nights I have been too tired to do anything apart form fall into bed afterward.

I am convinced the reiki is helping me to cope with the situation I am in at the moment. being blunt I beleive Edna is dying. I feel tat from both my clinical knowledge, and my intuition. I am so tempted to use the dowing crystal to try and find out - but I feel that would be an abuse of whatever power moves the crystal. If I meant to know facts I will be told them. I also feel the crystal hasn't been given to me to use for selfish purposes. And I still have a degree of scepticism that the crytsal really works anyway. And if I didnt get a clear response my faith in myself and the journey I am on would be shattered - and at the moment it is what is keeping me going.

Nothing spectacular happened during either of self healing eseeionsI haven't yet made entries for. I am still mystified by why I 'saw' such brilliant colours during the attunment - but dont see colours now. I guess I am worried I am doing something wrong. But as I said in my last entry - anything worth achieving needs practice. And I am not giving up.

I have found myself thinking about the principles - ad how they can be applied in my situation. I am not worried - I am scared which is different. I am trying not to get angry - but I do sometimes get irritated with the systems at the hospital which make it so hard to get meaningful information. I am doing what I can to honour Edna by being there for her - whether se is aware of me or not. I am not earning a living at the moment - I have told work to take me off the rota for this week. But when I do work I always try to give my very very best. Showing gratitude for every living thing is a tough one. Can I really genuinely I feel gratitude for Edna? Or Alan?. This is where we get onto very dark territory. And this is probably what I need to explore and meditate on.